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sigh…

If
I could explain how I feel right now, I think it would be summed up as
nothing more than a burdened sigh.  Everything no longer seems to
matter.

Six months ago, my step-father (who raised me) was given three months
to live from a nazi-cancer that had plagued his entire body. 
After much prayer and support from friends everywhere, a miracle took
place and all traces were pushed back considerably.  No kidding,
this was a miracle that everyone in Gainesville, Florida was
celebrating.  However, just yesterday my sister gave me a call
telling me that something had returned and doctor’s are now saying that
their not sure if he’ll make it to see the end of the year and that I
may need to make an emergency trip to Florida just to be there for
him.  This has been news for the past few weeks and everyone
thought I knew, however, I just found out yesterday.

I feel as if I took a heavy blow to the stomach; nothing seems to
matter anymore.  Yes, I know I need to have faith (and that’s
difficult only because I’ve lost so many to cancer), and although I
have so many negative memories of him having raised me (which I have
forgiven him for, let go, and have found closure on), I still feel
overwhelmed in concern for him.  I guess that’s good, right?

Last time this happened, I felt the same way for two months.  I
will have faith and I will be strong, even though I feel this burden
right now.  Please pray for him.  Even if you can’t leave a
comment, and can only give a five-second prayer… that would even go
the mile.  I’m expecting another mircale… please also expect the
same in your prayers.  Thank you for your support on this.

more updates

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The presence of the Lord has been so astounding.  I can write pages and pages and pages of His glory and it still wouldn’t compare to His magnificence.  Learning to cry from joy has been a new thing to me.  The hardest part of this project has seriously been not being able to tell anyone about it.  Just His Kingdom alone provokes tears.  The glory of His presence has been the biggest distraction… i can’t even finish writing the notes; I just get caught up.  I fear that I may not be able to capture it as pure as I want to in this project.   Priorities often get lost, but I have to stay on track. Good news… I found out earlier this week that someone may be publishing a small work of mine into a magazine.  It’s not official yet, but if it goes through, it would be a big step.

In the meantime, I’ve enjoyed the rich discussions from some dear friends (you know who you are).  I love reading about what’s going on in your lives and how the Lord is working in and through your lives as well.   Thank you also to those who have spoken into my life… I’m learning to fly a little higher than before as a result.  Eric, Locy, Ben, Shalako… I miss having you around (there’s so many others).  I look forward to alumni wkd.

I also found out Wednesday that two of my dearest friends, Patrick and Libby, got together… I was probably the last person to find thais out… but it certainly made my evening.  All I could picture was how Denver would react to the news. 

To all of those who have kept me in prayer and have encouraged me through this season, thank you.  It doesn’t go unnoticed… really.

Blessings to you all!

My precious child…



I’ve moved the mountains of
time and distraction to surround you with my love.  Often you shut
me out, but I continue to sit outside your veil of guilt and
shame.  I wish I can carry the burden of the rejection you
have carried for so long and just let you rest in me.  I often
long for the time when I will be able to hold you in the soft silky
fields of Heaven, where the angels sing and bask in My glory, and let
you experience my full countenance.  Did I ever tell you that your eyes make Heaven
come alive!  Until then, my precious son/daughter, tear the veil
and watch how the love I have giften you with, suddenly flows to those
around you.  Don’t let the life I have given you get in the way of
that, for there is no greater love than to give it without asking for
anything in return.  Then, will you have a glimpse of how I feel
about you.  I burn for you.



If I can sneak one last thing
in… i love you.  Deeper than any
romance or relationship could ever offer, that love will never fail…
remember that.

ohio update

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i was going to take a trip to virginia this weekend to visit a college. instead, i’ve spent a portion of the budget into a few important CS Lewis books. the trip has been rescheduled for the second weekend of november. one way or another, i’m starting college in January, whether that be in virginia, colorodo, illinois, texas, florida or oklahoma… come January, i’ll be somewhere… florida is the back up if i need more time.

still living in ohio, near toledo to be exact. the weather, unfortunately, is getting a little chilly for this florida boy. I used to live in snow, i even was born in it, amidst the north california mountains, but a big help has been the seven layers of blankets on my bed. ah yes… warmth still can be found. i need to learn, however, that I can’t keep going outside in flip flops and short sleeves.

i have a ride, even a sponsor, and I’m still not sure whether or not I want to go to alumni weekend. I’ll probably end up going, I’m just not fond of the fifty hours that i’ll be confined within a vehicle in addition to the chit chat discussions that will inevitably be on campus (i’m a skip-the-chit-chat-nonsense kind of guy that prefers good discussions). I think it wouldn’t be so difficult of a decision had i not left so soon — the beginning of last month.

the food here is incredible; i’m nearly treated like a king. josh and his family are very kind of my stay. more importantly, they’re also very understanding of the amount of time i’m dedicating to my studies. tedious, but also rewarding.

aside from all of that, things are going well… loving the Lord, staying single, having fun, learning a lot and seeing new places. just last night i took a trip to Michigan (half an hour away) to spend some time in a coffee shop (although i don’t drink coffee). such a great place to study. i also stopped at a hospital to visit some children… too bad it was a women’s hospital. slightly embarrassing (i’ll spare the details).

anyway, blessings to you all!

what guys look for…

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what guys look for… (and what ladies should look for in return)

So what do guys look for in a lady?  The research is mostly first-hand: I’ve spoken with both men and women already in successful relationships and asked them myself what makes thier age-worn relationship tick and the simple qualities of what we as men should be looking for in ladies ourselves.  As a result, I’ve given discussions in front of youth groups, core groups, guys/lady groups, discussion boards, web sites, you name it… all on the topic of what to develop within ourselves (both men and women) and what to look for in others.  While I can write a book on the topic, I thought I would take the time to share a little of what I’ve gathered about the top things that Godly Men look for (or should be looking for) in Godly Ladies.  For the men, take this advice as what ladies look for in a guy as well.  I’ve started with the top two:

anointing  (source: sion alford)
Ladies, when you love the Lord, it shows.  Period.  There’s just something about spending an intimate time with the Lord that makes you shine.  It’s not viewable by actions or how you do your hair, not even by the way you talk about the Lord… there’s just a visible, genuine anointing about you.  Simply beautiful.  Of course, we all have our valleys, our moments, the times when you think the anointing isn’t viewable… but its then, yes then, that the anointing shines b/c It’s not about how fast you’re flying when everything is going you way… it’s about whether or not you get back up when you fall on your face in a valley.  This anointing says a lot about you.  Some guys look for a casual Christian, others look for whether or not they have a quiet time, but real men look to see if this anointing is on their lives… above looks, above money, above it all, because nothing compares.  Trailing in close second…

flirting / guy relationships 
Believe me… guys notice this.  I’m not going to discuss what is/isn’t flirting, but I will tell you what is attractive: a lady who surrounds herself with other stellar Godly ladies and has a strong accountability circle with them.  They certainly still have guy friends, but they have defined those friendships in such a purity that not even a hint of flirting is suspected.  When a lady surrounds herself with guys throughout all times of a day, it’s just unattractive.  I remember following up with a great mentor of mine (single) and asking him about a lady that he was interested in.  I soon discovered that he had lost his interest soley because of her imbalance in the relationships she had with guys.  She never even suspected she had a great man of God interested in her. 

dress  (inspired source: josh harris)
Ladies, you’re already beautiful.  You don’t need clothing to express that about you.  I have more respect for ladies who know they would probably look drop-dead beautiful in a revealing bathing suit or a low-cut dress, yet instead chose to dress modestly.  Seriously.  When ladies understand that us guys are visual and chose to go the extra mile, even sometimes wearing something a little more uncomfortable just to guard our hearts, that says volumes on (a) purity, (b) selflessness, (c) self-value, (d) where your heart lies and (e) countless of other topics.  I remember picking up a date back in ’99 for a family bar-b-que, who thought she had to dress provocatively to impress me.  I’m talking provocative.  Call me direct, but I took a drive to the nearest Target, bought a modest one-piece dress, and had a great object lesson in the process.  She wasn’t offended after my object lesson, but set free that night (seriously).  After that night, her mother came to me saying that she cleaned up her entire closet and was acting more ‘authentic’ around the house. 

friends (source: mom)
You can always, always, always tell a lot about someone by who their friends are.  Surround yourself with eagles, and you’ll soar with the best.  Take it or leave it, but this is always true.  Ladies, who you surround yourself with speaks volumes about you.  VOLUMES.  I use the same thing when finding a close guy friend.  I remember taking a lady out, requesting she bring a friend with her for two purposes (a) accountability (usually I bring my sister) and (b) to see who she surrounds herself with.  The girl I took out seemed like a stellar young lady, but it was the friend that gave her away.  I didn’t call it off until I found out that she was that way herself… but it was the friend clued me in.  What kind of statement are your close friends making about you?  

how do you treat those you don’t like 
I’ll keep this one short: if you have a problem with someone, don’t go spilling news to everyone about it, including detailed irrelevant information.  Why?  Because who’s to say if we get involved in a relationship, that you won’t do the same thing to us if we offend you?  I hope that makes my point.

attitude  (source: women’s conference promo on radio)
I don’t know of any other way to say it, but what makes a great man a great man is a lady who isn’t afraid to set us straight when we need to be set straight, tells us the truth even when it hurts, and most important of all: believes in us and pushes us to be the best we can be, even when we may not be shining so bright.  The power of your support, your sacrifice to believe in us, empowers a man to harness the potential the Lord has placed within him.

No matter what anyone else tells you… you are His rare treasure, His precious jewel.  Don’t let this list or anyone else’s opinions take you away from that.  No matter who you are, thank you for pursuing the Lord in such a way that inspires us men to glorify the Lord even more.  You may think that you’re setting your standards too high and that you’re probably not good enough for anyone, but hold on.  Thank you for waiting for us.  And remember… to love is to be vulnerable.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

-C.S. Lewis
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…

I
find myself in the midst of a project both elegant and beautiful, yet
daring and precarious.  C.S. Lewis embarked on a similar project
and while it was the launching point of his career (not Narnia), it
took a lot from him.  It’s going to take time, but I want to aim
higher, dive deeper and, if possible, somehow make it not just to a
bookshelf, but also to a required reading list at a university — not just
for the sake of getting there, but because the truth demands it.

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So, I decided to have a
little fun yesterday.  I went to Toys R Us (remember that place?),
bought a lego set and spent a few hours at a coffee shop (with their
permission) putting it together.  I had a blast and definately had
a lot of coffee shop conversation as well (too bad I don’t drink coffee).  Man, I’m definately looking forward to having kids.
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update from mom (10/02/05)


My Son;

Wow, what a suprise!  Your Mother featured on your site!  I’m blushing!

The
memories,  will always remain embedded deep in my cerebral
cortex.  Yes, I see the little boy with his dog and his airplane,
and if I stare at the picture long enough, I can hear you running
making airplane sounds all over the house…Gosh how I miss those
years!

The
second picture was your first time at the fair, the fair featured 
a computer generated picture made into a calendar, it was the year of
the dot-matrix and a printer generating a picture was unheard of. 
What a concept!.

You
& I ….Me & You, two peas in a pot. I was the apple of your
eye, and you were and will always be, my heart. Today, I see the
young  man staring back, if I’m still, and  look deep enough,
I see the little boy with his dog and his airplane. However this time,
you are not making airplane sounds, you are soaring higher than what
you & I imagined. Daily I pray, that the Lord guide you and allows
you to reach new heights.  Soar high my Son, fly high.

I love you…..Mom

original post…

mom…

from your little boy & his dog… I love you.






School bus driver

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I want to be a school bus driver.  (mom, hear me out)

I was driving back to the house and passed a school bus on a 4-lane
highway.   I soon discovered that the driver of the bus not
only drove for the local elementary school, but also owned a successful
pizza gallery and worked at the local fire station.  I just think
its fascinating that even though the man driving the bus had so many
“better things to do” with his status, he still chose to give back the
community.  So although I want to write, travel, speak, mentor or
do whatever else the Lord may inspire me to get up and do… i want to
do something random such as driving a school bus for a small town.