caroline rausch:

Tell (men) not to do anything they wouldn’t want another man doing to their wife. They probably would not want any man having a deep, intimate conversation with their wives. But then they ruin it for other men. You know?

lara overs:

When a guy always spends time with the girls, or with one girl in particular it sends the wrong message. Girls tend to analyze every little thing that guys say and do.  Even when guys hang out with a group, with one other girl, or they keep hanging out with the same girl with the same group or whatever, it sends the message that you like that person, and then the girl will analyze it to the point of marriage.  Its silly I know.

The more time you spend with one person, even if you don’t have feelings for them at first, they will probably develop.  So, don’t, even accidentally, spend more time with one girl than another because they will think that you like them, and most girls feed off of the affection and attention of guys, at least ones that aren’t trusting in the Lord completely.  Our emotions are totally crazy and they way deeper and farther than most guys.

When you share your heart with a girl, even praying alone with her, you create emotional ties with her.  My advice is to always check your heart motives, and avoid even the appearance of evil.  Don’t get prideful and be sensitive to leadership, you’ll benefit in the long run.  Treat your sisters like sisters!! Check your heart and make sure your motives are pure. Don’t be alone with ladies on purpose or accident, (you know what I mean.)

elizabeth freeman:

As women we can get emotionally attached rather easily especially when we have not had a good male role model.  When we spend a lot of time with just one person we naturally get attached.  Whether that is a good or bad thing we do.  Some of the ladies here on campus have just left relationships and they may need some protecting from their brothers.  When gentlemen share their past in a deep way we naturally identify with them causing a bond.  Deeper things should be strayed away from.  As gentlemen you can be cautious how much time you spend alone with the ladies on campus.  Guy/girl friendships are not bad but they should not be who you spend all of your time with.  This is one of the best years to make great guy friends and the girl ones will come with the Lord’s timing.  Guard your own heart and the ladies around you.

jessica torres

Let me help you understand women a little.  I’m just going to get to the point.  Basically, women over-analyze everything, as you may know. If we had a really great conversation one day we will ponder it for weeks.  Doing that definitely opens the door for emotions to come and dictate how we should feel about a person.  Another thing that it does is we will start to tell our selves “hmm maybe he’s the ONE….” Then before you know it, our future family is planned, our wedding day is all set in our minds and sometimes written down on paper. 

Not only will she think these things, but also when one day you don’t talk to her she’ll be heart broken, or she will start to think of what she did that made you now want to talk to her. One thing I would encourage you to do is don’t give girls lots of attention.  Some girls are so hungry for attention so they go to the opposite gender to get it.  They will do crazy things like being loud.

This is just a little something about us, but I want to give you some helpful things you can do to protect us from going down this road.  (I got most of these from talking with other girls on campus).  Don’t share the “deep” parts of your heart with us save that for your wonderful wife.  Try to not touch our arm, hair or any other place (physical touch big no no), don’t make eye contact for a long period of time, I would encourage not spending long periods of time alone with a girl.  

elisabet arnold:

In the core of every woman is a deep and desperate cry to be loved, to be needed, to be sought after. God meant for that need to be first of all met by Him, then by her father, and lastly by her husband (optional). If it has not been met, or she has refused to let it be met, by any of these, she will seek to have her needs met by any available male in her life. The ladies on this campus come from a huge variety of backgrounds and consequently all seek different amounts of attention from the guys in their lives.

When I came here a year ago, I knew and loved God, but had been going through a rather rough time in my relationship with Him since one of my closest friends had died almost two years previous. As for my relationship with my dad; it was essentially non-existent. He met my basic needs for food, clothing and shelter, but neither of us really knew the other at all. I had never dated before, but almost the only thing that had kept me from it was my determination not to just be another statistic confirming that girls with bad or non-existent relationships with their fathers sought out unhealthy attention from guys. I had really only had one close brother-type friend my whole life; and he passed away when I was sixteen.

I knew that the Honor Academy was a safe place to learn how to form healthy relationships with the opposite gender; something I realized I needed to learn how to do since the only way I could continue avoiding guys for the rest of my life was to become a nun in the Catholic church – not quite the vision for my life that God had laid before me. I believe that this is the heart of many, if not most, of the ladies in the Honor Academy. They have realized that the world’s formula for developing relationships with the opposite gender does not work; it only causes deep scars that often take plenty of time to heal. They see the Honor Academy as a place for a fresh start; and indeed it is. However, since the world’s way is the only method they know, they will continue to try it (with modifications, of course) until someone shows them a better way.

The best model for ‘a better way’ would be the way that Jesus loved: Unconditionally. Unconditional love simply says that ‘No matter what you do or who you become, to me you are still the same and I will choose to always see the potential in you.’ With that viewpoint, flirting becomes completely pointless because no one is trying to gain another’s approval because they already have it; trying to impress someone becomes pointless because no matter how great or small the world tells you that you are, you are significant in their eyes.
There are also some other things to understand about women and how we work.

1. We are very relationship-oriented. To us, spending time with someone shows them that we care about them. When someone chooses to spend time with us, we take that to mean that they love us and care about us. Also, the more time someone spends with us, the more they must care about us. If you find yourself spending a great deal of time around one particular female, it is pretty safe to guess that she assumes you want a fairly deep friendship with her. Make sure that the amount of time you spend with a lady is directly proportional to the depth of friendship you are seeking. (If you only want to be casual acquaintances with someone, don’t spend every waking minute with her. On the other hand, someday in the future – you will need to spend more than five minutes a day on the phone with your fiancée.)

2. Sharing the deep things in your heart is extremely attractive to many women. This includes both things you struggle with and things you are passionate about (like your vision for your life). You may wonder how on earth sharing about your struggles can be attractive to a woman, but really it is quite simple. Since God created Eve to be a helpmate to Adam, every woman is wired with the desire to come alongside and help a man persevere through the hardships he faces. As women, we are also born with the desire to nurture, protect and defend. Though you may think that in sharing your struggles you are tapping into the desire of a woman to come alongside and help, unless it is God’s timing for a deep relationship (marriage), you will simply tap into her instinct to mother which will ultimately cause her to simply coddle you making you feel trapped and powerless. At this point in your life, sharing about your struggles should be to the men around you who truly and purely can come alongside you and help propel you towards freedom and greatness.

Sharing about your dreams and visions and other things you are passionate about is also dangerous. Because it is the desire of every person (not just women) to be fighting for a greater cause and striving for a bigger purpose, when a man lays bare his heart and expresses the heartbeat behind whom he is, it taps into a woman’s desire to come alongside and be a helpmate in his battle. Be careful, because you may very well unknowingly cause her heart to be drawn toward yours and even if on your part the relationship is pure, she may be on her way to stumbling. So am I saying that for this year you are not allowed to have meaningful conversations with women? Not at all! There is a quote (specifically for women) that says, “Bury your heart in the depths of God and a man will have to search the heart of God to find it.” Live in such a way that being around you makes her want to bury her heart deeper in God. You can, and should, have meaningful conversations with women this year; just make sure that it results in both of you wanting to know God, not necessarily each other, better.
I’ve never taken a psychology or counseling class, I simply know enough about my own weaknesses to attempt to guide others out of theirs. Hope this helps.

tiffany engler:

During Gauntlet one of the ladies here at the internship spent over a week in emotional turmoil because she had been in this “Friendship” with a guy at home and now that he was out of the picture she was freaking out.  She was freaking out because he is who made her feel safe, accepted, valuable, and worthy of attention.  She is still crying whenever we talk and pray about it because he was an idol in her life and she now has to learn how to let God be the “man” in her life.  She has to completely reprogram the way she thinks.  The guy on the other hand is at college now and totally fine.  He doesn’t call very much because he just hangs out with new friends.  He still has a lot of control over her emotions and he probably doesn’t even know it.  This lady started hanging out with some guys at the internship.  Their friendships were “pure” … like they’d just go out together in groups and stuff like that.  However, I daily check up with her and encourage her to not have guy friends because her emotions are very easily drawn to guys.  She could be thought of as a “tom boy” … not the typical “needy, flirty” girl … So these new intern guys she is hanging out with probably think that their friendship is pure and healthy.  They have NO IDEA that she can fall into complete emotional impurity within five minutes of being with them.  She is not a whole woman. She is not some uncommon case either.  Most women have the tendency to feed off of the attention of men.  I have a January intern who when she got here her self esteem went down the drain because the men around her no longer “checked her out.”  She struggled with feeling ugly and unaccepted.  Since they weren’t looking at her she found other ways to feel accepted by them.  This also is not an uncommon case. Just in my core I have two other ladies in almost the exact situation. 

One in three women have been sexually abused.  This statistic has become a reality since I have gotten my core.  It’s very true—and it’s heart breaking.  You would think these women would be the ones who despised men … and to an extent they do … they hate worldly men … but godly men are a different story.  They notice that you are servants, that you don’t check them out like they are something cheap to be stared at, and they notice that you don’t talk to them in dirty jokes or devalue who they are by the way you treat them.  And so they are going to be extremely attracted to that and want to cling to you—because that is what they were designed to crave.  Kind of like God made men visual—women are very emotional.  Time, attention, things like that cause emotional attachments.   They may not appear to be clinging to you, but in their heart they are.  They get up in the morning and want to look really nice because they know you work in their office … and each time they walk by you to go to the printer they are craving for you to say hi and smile at them again so they feel like they’re beautiful and worthy of attention.  Or they know where you worship so they make sure they are standing near you so that you can see them worship … so you will think they are a godly woman.  Because if you think they are a godly woman, you will accept them, if you accept them you are saying they are valuable, and if they feel valuable then they will feel whole and like they have that true LOVE that they are craving. However, your little bits of attention or compliments or time you spend with them is only a temporary satisfaction.   So it turns into this wicked cycle where they wake up the next day craving more.   I’ll say it again, this is not an uncommon case.  This is very, very, very common.

Women are always looking for a hero.  Someone to be there for us, make us feel protected, special, loved.  If you take a girl who never had a dad who spent time with her just by you spending time with her she could start to get her feeling of “being special” from you.  She could be feeding her emotional needs by the time you guys spend together and you wouldn’t even have a clue.  Keep in mind most girls dad’s never really spent time with them, so this is a common problem.  This is why it is why I get concerned when I see the women who are always with men. 

The hero we need to run to and let save us and validate us is Jesus. He is the only one who can help us.  Guys like to fix problems, and that can be an awesome thing, but you cannot fix the women on this campus.  You need to give them time to become whole women.  Within the next couple months God is going to do some awesome works inside of them.  It has not taken them just a couple weeks to get into the messes they are in emotionally and it’s not going to take a couple weeks for them to get out of them.  The word of God needs to renew their mind and they need to get in the habit of running Jesus instead of you.

The best thing you can do for your sisters on campus is give them time–don’t share your hearts with them or allow them to share their hearts–if they bring a concern or problem to you POINT THEM TO JESUS.  That is what women need.  They don’t need you.  They need to develop the habit of going to Jesus for comfort, attention, and value.  The need to spend TIME with Jesus.  Women love quality time with people.  If they spend time with someone they feel close to them.  This is why you need to limit your time with them and encourage them to spend their free time with Jesus.

Last year I would spend an hour before work and an hour after work with the Lord … I would go out with the Lord on Friday nights instead of friends.  I needed to develop the habit of running to Jesus all the time, and through that I was able.  Some people would say that that was being “out of balance” or super-spiritual.  But no, I wasn’t.  I just had a bad relationship with my Dad and I was being aggressive about my healing and pursuing the Only One who could truly satisfy me.  The fruit that has come from those times has completely transformed me and continues to transform me.   I don’t run to my brother core CA every time I get scared or something bad happens and I need comfort.  I run to the Lord, and HE is the one who gives me strength and protection.  I don’t need men to spend time with me or compliment me all the time so I can feel satisfied and valuable … Jesus is who satisfies me beyond the riches of foods.   This is what it means to be a whole woman.  There of course is a balance.  I’m not saying pretend that women don’t live at Teen Mania—because they do.  You just need to be wise are a serpent and gentle as a dove.  So, I’ll say it again … point the ladies on this campus to Jesus.  They may seem like they’re whole but you have no idea what’s going on inside their hearts.  He is the Only One they need. 

jennifer padilla:

So I’m thinking that as of right now… the interns are here because of obedience… they are staying because their future husband/wife is here. This isn’t all the interns… just most of them… and the majority of those people are probably girls.  What I’m saying is, they have stopped looking for potential “boyfriends”. Now they are looking for the “one”. Here are some characteristics of the “one”, from the mind of a girl who spent all last year with tons of wonderful women of God. The one will not only spend time with you, but he’ll prefer to spend time with you. Like if you notice that he’s spending more time with you than he is other girls or his own friends, this means he prefers you. How to counteract this is simply treat each girl the same. Don’t give one more attention than another. This allows the balance of a healthy friendship. You get to know the person of the opposite sex, but it’s not like it’s just you two getting to know each other. You are trying to get to know other people just the same.
Moving right along… sharing deep issues. I don’t find it a problem when you are sharing deep issues as long as you are Spirit led and as long as other people are with you. If it’s just a guy and a girl alone, even in a group setting, it’s pretty dangerous. If you are going to be in a deep conversation, invite other people in. Maybe this girl that they are running to has some great wonderful advice, but it would do her heart good to know that she’s not the only one that this guy runs to. This is just a check your own heart thing. If they realize who it is that they are running to, then they can see who their heart goes to. You can give your heart away to not only people of the opposite sex, but your own friends. I don’t know if that makes sense… what I’m trying to say is, if they are continually sharing deep things with a girl, not only do they need to rely on God, but they need to see that her heart sees it as, “He trusts me and can talk to me about anything.” There is a point where that is healthy to think… but not while they are in the “searching for the one” phase.

Time=Relationship because that is simply what a relationship is… time. The more time you spend with a person, the more you know them and have a relationship with them. Now, what kind of “time” you spend with girls will determine the type of “relationship” you’ll have.
Time on the courts, running, whatever=buddies
Time in the Word=wisdom sharers
Time in a group=acquaintances
Time talking about family and personal junk=potential one (again, unless you include other people and show her that she’s not the only one who knows this about him)
Time talking about stupid stuff=buddies
Time praying=you are coming together spiritually and acquiring of God, so pretty much a girl thinks that you will get married directly after graduation. “Oh my gosh, he really loves me! He prays for me. I bet he prays for me during his quiet times, I bet he’s praying for me right now…” so on and so on.

Honestly, girls are the weirdest creatures to dissect. But I would tell them not to worry because this “one” phase will be over in a few months and they’ll be finding freedom in allowing the Lord to be the One. It’s only when a woman discovers that the Lord is the One that she can have a healthy pure relationship with a guy. Not only will she desire to be a woman of God, but she’ll want to be friends with men of God.

I had this tucked away in the archives and brought it back for reference for graduates both home and at teen mania.  I also had designed a printable version (click here) if you would like to pass this along to some guy friends (or even a guy core) for their reference.