Father, I trust you. Help me to see.

I’m at a moment of surrender, but am I really surrendering?  I feel as if every moment that I feel that I am surrendering, I am going deeper and finding that I can surrender something else.  Obviously.  I don’t know what my future holds for me, who I will meet next or how I will get there… but putting complete trust in that future is something that has been the most stretching for this season.  A second year serving Teen Mania Ministries hangs in the balance, with a pending opportunity to be a part of the Fellowship of the Burning Hearts (still no decision yet on that privileged opportunity), a year serving beside my sister, serving in the position in the ministry placement and administration fellowship that I love next to a manager I love, ministering to hundreds of next-year interns through cores who will let me speak in their groups, and the list goes on.

Father, what an honor to have this hanging in the balance.

But it’s in the balance.   Even if I get accepted to everything I dreamed of, the Lord may make the executive move and call me away.  It’s as if the Father is saying “Erik, my dear son, do you trust me enough to have everything offered to you and then walk away from it if I call you to do so.”  What a rhetorical.  The wild part is: it’s very real… this is in the balance.  I will learn by the end of this coming week if I am accepted into the Fellowship, which I know that 95% of everyone applying is second-year interns and my chances are slim, but that still does not decide if I stay.  You would think that would be my “fleece”… surprisingly it’s not. 

The other thing that hangs in the balance is full-time college.  Oh, how I’m ready to take that on.  Of course, if I don’t get accepted into Fellowship, I can always stay here and do college, but the other road the Lord is calling me to is hanging in the balance of going to work in the Fall and starting college in the Spring as a full-time student.  Of course, I have narrowed the colleges, this road is a road into the unknown.  A road into complete trust with the Father, although all roads are like that for me.

It’s funny because I can hear the thunder of the storm outside (for real, I’m not that deep into the storm picture here).  It’s as if that thunder shows the deep, real, thick, natural presence of the Lord and a reminder that however this balance turns out… I am still His.  Friends may come and go, loves won and lost, but the Lord is deeper than any ocean or love can offer. 

Father, I desire that intimacy.

I write this not to post an entry for others to read, but for myself as a mile-marker as my future may be determined in the next three weeks, and I just want to have something written down to mark this ‘eye’ of the storm.  If you pray for me… pray for favor.  Pray for my sister’s stay here.  Just a simple 4-second prayer would do.  Thank you to my friends, family and mother who continue to support what I do. 

I spoke to my lil brother past Monday (whom I only spoke to twice in my life).  He’s in sixth grade now and is looking forward to visiting me with my father whom I haven’t seen in 12 years at my Honor Academy graduation.  Idania, we have a brother.

Father, thank you for Your love, for Your heart and just for your simplicity.  I look forward to what you have in store for me and lay my life at Your Hands.  Father, I pray for Idania that You show her Your Heart more and more. Grant her favor in her support to come here.  I pray for my mom… I pray for clarity of mind, thoughts and emotion.  I pray for little Hilliary & Viviana, and pray you guide them up in Your truth.  Please Father, please guide them in Your truth. Father, I pray for my sister in Christ, Annie… I pray you lift her up and help her to see Your love in the most real and authentic way as possible.  Don’t let her settle for silly bread crumbs, but let her find Your feast.  I love You Father… I love You.  In the Name and power of Your Son Jesus I pray… Amen. Amen. Amen.

 

Father, I just want to touch Your Face.